


With Apologies to Francis Bacon

by cathedraltunes



Category: Weekend Update (SNL)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26588659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cathedraltunes/pseuds/cathedraltunes
Summary: Stefon introduces Seth Meyers to his family.
Relationships: Seth Meyers/Stefon (Saturday Night Live)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	With Apologies to Francis Bacon

**Author's Note:**

> My entry for the Haderzine (2020), as the digital version is now available. You may still purchase the digital zine through November! [Please do! All proceeds are donated to the Child Mind Institute.](https://gumroad.com/l/oQZDC)

_ New York City. A private nightclub. _

_ Enter  _ STEFON MEYERS (né Zolesky)  _ and  _ SETH MEYERS.

  
  


SETH.

Stefon, this would be easier to deal

With as an evening out if you would

Just tell me what it is we’re doing here.

STEFON, 

_ in weird British accent. _

Dear, sweet, darling Seth Meyers, whom I love

And with whom I have most happ’ly joined,

To speak of such things as we do tonight

Before such time as we are to do them

Would be as though to give the gift and then

The box.

SETH.

Surprises make the sarcasm

Harder to prepare. Could you at least tell

Me why you’re talking the way you’re talking

Right now. And in that weird British accent.

STEFON,

_ in Stefon _ .

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just the nerves.

It’s this dumb affectation my aunt does,

Like we’re all still living in the ‘60s.

SETH.

Nobody talked like that. In the sixties?

STEFON.

Um, excuse me, free love? I totally

Know way more about it than you do, Seth.

Not that I don’t love this cardigan and 

Khakis look you’re working with like yes, Seth,

Go off, you sexy little tight-bodied—

SETH.

Stefon! There are people in this nightclub.

Actually this is really lowkey for

A place that you picked out. Is this just a

Normal restaurant? Say, just for people?

STEFON.

Ugh, there’s no way I would have picked this place.

But Mum said he couldn’t stand another

Family reunion at Dave’s Backyard.

SETH.

Oh, boy. Do I dare ask. What’s Dave’s backyard?

STEFON.

You don’t know Dave? It’s just, like, his backyard.

SETH.

Oh, that sound great. Do you guys grill, or you—

STEFON.

No, it’s a cool place, not a boring place.

There’s a tiger cage, an iron maiden,

An obstacle course of knives, three snake pits,

And kids drink free.

SETH.

Would it be too much to hope they drink juice?

STEFON.

No, they drink tiger wine, Dave’s super cool.

SETH.

Stefon, you said family reunion—

STEFON.

That was so many lines ago, baby! 

_ Enter  _ TITANIA _ , with her  _ TRAIN. 

_ Behind follows  _ PUCK.

Oh, shit, that’s Mom, try to look sexy but

Completely unavailable to her.

SETH.

We’re married.

STEFON.

Oh, my god, yesssssss, super wed.

But! That’s never stopped Mama Stefon from

Scooping up a tasty little snack like

Seth Meyers.

SETH  _ laughs. _

I am not joking at all.

TITANIA.

See! Is it not as I have said, my fairies?

That misbegotten Oberon should 

Have taken in such arrogance as is

Known to him the Six Avenue Express

When t’was Eight Avenue Local he ought

Have boarded. To laugh! ought we await he?

Now come hither fair laughing Goodfellow, 

I have mark’d one dear to thy playful heart.

PUCK.

Night and silence! who is here?

I see none but my own son!

Neither Goodfellow nor fair

Yet by moonlight, a changeling.

Speak, Stefon!—that I may hear.

STEFON.

Hello, Mummy.

SETH.

Mummy?

PUCK.

And here at last!

Seth, yes, this most steady beast,

With whom you absconded! Ne’er

To ask of king or queen fae

Royal permit for binding

The spirit immortal born

To that soul of man! man! man!

TITANIA.

Puck, you must not scold. It unbecomes thee.

Name you a shrew! Yet well and sweetly do

I recall a moment, an hour, a day 

Whence that flightsome heart of thine did walk at

Pace with the melancholy bard’s song 

Of a love most modern that did promise

To bring thee to the church on time.

STEFON.

Dad! I

Knew him for like ten days before he left.

SETH.

This guy’s not your dad?

STEFON.

No, that’s my mother.

My dad was Ziggy Stardust, you remember?

SETH.

Stefon, I’m going to be honest, I 

Thought you were a little high when you said

That David Bowie was your dad. And you

Never said that your mom had deer antlers.

Or that your mom was really sort of rude.

Or that everyone would be wearing wings?

STEFON.

I never meant to keep any of this 

From you but you should probably know that

My mother is Puck of English myth and 

Legend. He’s not rude, he’s disappointed.

SETH.

Well, to be fair, and if I may, your mom

Did just call me a beast. A little rude.

PUCK.

How else to name a thing but

To name it as it is in

Its truth? Are you not of a

Form, fix’d? Unchanged since thy birth,

Lest some whimsy of mine or

Some other merry jester 

Make of your kiln-baked clay a

Person true and fit to wed

My kith and blood, dear Stefon?

STEFON.

Mummy, I married Seth because I love

Him. I love his boring shirts and even

The fact that he listens to smooth jazz.

SETH.

My shirts aren’t boring. They’re fun.

STEFON.

Oh, honey.

PUCK. 

Is this fate press’d as like curse

That merry though I do make

Mine jests fall upon deaf ear

And of such ear my own be

Filled with great silence that I

No longer recognize joy-sound!

Churl!—of my flesh, of my own.

Lost soul! giv’n to the grace

Of Oberon our Lord yet,

And yet you would turn thine back

To our sweet flowers and our

Fine meadows and the laughter

That is ours to make and claim,

Instead to live as a dull

And mortal actor of much

Dull and dreary work! Stefon—

STEFON.

I don’t think this is even a little

Bit of a family reunion. Yes!

Yes! Yes! I think this is a boo Stefon

Dinner, a Stefon why did you go to

U.T.I. to major in journalism

Instead of going into the fam’ly

Business! Well, maybe Stefon didn’t

Want to be a will o’ the wisp jester!

Maybe Stefon wanted to be taken

Just a little more seriously! Yes!

TITANIA.

Confound these phones! I cannot open FaceBook.

STEFON.

Auntie, did you know this is what Mum wants?

Gasp! Was this planned? Were you all in on this?

FAIRY #1.

Not I!

FAIRY #2.

Not I!

FAIRY #3.

Not I!

FAIRY #4.

I was told so.

TITANIA  _ curses  _ FAIRY #4.

_ Exeunt  _ FAIRY #4 _ , a frog. _

STEFON _ , _

_ tired _ .

Is Oberon even coming tonight?

TITANIA.

What ho! a frog, or so it appear to me,

Hath made escape, this frog but mustard seed.

That is, known to me Mustard Seed, sworn to

Service of my lord who be Oberon.

I must fetch this seed lest it find purchase

In some loamy soil or foul-wetted creek.

_ Exeunt  _ TITANIA.

TITANIA  _ and  _ FAIRY #4 _ , a frog, enter upstage. _

_ Many antics to be made. _

PUCK.

Shrew, this insult Titania

Lays upon me! Let my lady

See her own dear child into

Ignominy—plain creature.

SETH.

Okay, that’s enough. 

STEFON.

Seth, it’s all right. I’ve

Moved on from my family’s bad reviews.

They just aren’t ready for Stefon’s freedom.

SETH.

And I think that’s incredible of you,

But Stefon, I still remember what you

Said on the day we got married—

STEFON.

Mmmm, yes,

When you punch’d Anderson Cooper right in

His gorgeous, sculpted, Greek statue face.

Sorry, I know you don’t like it when I 

Talk about how good-looking Anderson

Is or how he’s so generous when he

Makes hard, tender love, but honesty’s good.

If we’re honest with each other then that

Just means we’re stronger together. Baby.

SETH.

So you should have told me your family

Would be here tonight, and that I’d have to

Fight them for being huge jerks. That’s right, Puck!

You’re a jerk. And I don’t say that lightly.

STEFON.

Oh, my God, Mummy, he’s so mad right now.

PUCK.

Be angry then, Meyers!

You’ll never know what this

Betrayal does to a

Trickster lord’s weary heart.

I saw you, my Stefon,

In New Hampshire, eating

At that table of wasps!

Wearing matching sweaters!

STEFON.

The matching sweaters were my idea!

SETH.

I just don’t think light-up penises are

Appropriate when meeting my parents.

But I know Alice Starwhore worked very

Hard on them and we still owe her a nice

Gift. Maybe a yarn dot com needle set.

STEFON.

Seth Meyers, so thoughtful! That’s my stuffy hubby.

And speaking of stuffy—

SETH.

Stefon!

STEFON.

Naughty!

PUCK, 

_ grieving _ .

Ah, to have once more in my bosom this

Child of quick tongue and most playful nature.

Do you not miss those honey sweet days we

Knew in our dear, strange wood timeless and green?

STEFON.

Oh, Mama, you know that I miss the wood.

I didn’t leave just to break your big heart.

PUCK.

Then why? To live as you have chosen, here

As mortal flesh hath chose to grub and mourn.

Curse, I cry! that night I came upon the

Great darkness between the trees and there found

Fair man of guitar and soprano, “tough

As glass and clean as night,” his eyes rough dark.

STEFON.

I wanted more! more! more! than just those trees.

Mama, I wanted the nightclubs, the lights

Of the city! To be Stefon and not

Just Stefon, son of Puck! Stefon, whim-some!

I wanted people to take me serious’

And I found those people, whether you like

It or not. I’m a legit journalist.

SETH.

I don’t know if a gossip column counts…

STEFON.

Seth! It’s the most Important reporting.

PUCK, 

_ again scornful. _

And these fools you surround

Yourself with, these poor jests

Artlessly aimed with crude

Bows of thistle and thorn

Ne’er to wreak mischief!

SETH.

Hey! I’ve heard enough. He might write gossip

Columns for deranged werewolves and coke queens

But damn it, he’s right. They deserve their news. 

I was wrong about Stefon one time, too,

So as an accredited journalist,

It’s an objective fact you’re wrong about

Stefon. He’s confusing. He’s probably high 

As we’re talking and where he got the ex,

I don’t know that either. But I do know

That each day since Stefon broke into my

Life when he broke into the studio,

I’ve never known what to expect from him

Or even myself. I’m a changed man, 

Sometimes a frightened man, sometimes a man

On the run from the Candyland mobsters—

STEFON.

They’re so brutal. They beat you with candy

Canes and force you to eat red hots until

You explode with red-hot, obscene pleasure.

SETH.

It was a bad fourth of July for me.

But I am glad I set off those fireworks

To scare away the Cotton Candy boys.

STEFON,

_aside_.

The Cotton Candy boys are that thing where

You feed a thirteen year old only sweets

For an entire year and then you give them

Silver poisoning so they go blue all

Over and they look like an evil Smurf.

SETH.

Why aren’t they just called the Smurf Boys again?

STEFON.

Copyright infringement. The estate of

Peyo is very litigious when

It comes to Les Schtroumpfs. Oh! but that does

Remind me, there’s this hot new sex club, Seth,

In the fallout shelter under the bay—

SETH.

Well, Stefon, I was hoping we could have

Our anniversary dinner somewhere…

STEFON.

Normal? Mainstream? I should know.

SETH.

Above ground.

You know that Samberg gets squirrelly if

We actually go into the earth.

PUCK.

At least my grandson remains—

Child of Stefon, blood of mine,

Surely in your veins runs the

Song of the wild hunt, of our

Most ancient woods green and lush.

STEFON.

Did you not get my e-mail? Oh, Mama.

Little Stefon Junior has a job now

With the United States Postal Service.

His supervisor says he’s due for a new

Promotion because he’s so efficient.

PUCK  _ curses at length. _

_ Enter  _ FAIRY #4,  _ a frog, pursued by  _ TITANIA.

__

TITANIA.

Are these farces of love and devotion

Now come to a close? For Oberon draws

Near and hath texted me his drink order.

SETH.

Is Dave’s Backyard still open at nine-thirty?

STEFON.

Does the pope have a warrant out for me?

SETH.

Why would the pope have a warrant—

STEFON.

To Dave’s!

_ Exeunt  _ STEFON  _ and  _ SETH MEYERS _ , holding hands. _

_ They’re arguing but arguably in love. _

PUCK.

I shall never hear end of it from

Coyote or foul Loki. Their children make

Great fuss and cause much trouble whence they go.

TITANIA.

Damn’d be thee, Oberon! Lord of naught but

Moss and unmoored lily of the grey pond.

He hath deleted Candy Crush as sworn.

FAIRY #1.

So fickle!

FAIRY #2.

Love’s cruel game!

FAIRY #3.

Oh, our lord!

FAIRY #4,

_ a frog _ .

Croak.

_ Follies. Exeunt. _

**Author's Note:**

> I suffered over this a great while but ultimately it became this: an exercise in overly clever self-indulgence.
> 
> \- Puck, Titania, the fairies, and the unseen Oberon are all from Shakespeare's _A Midsummer Night's Dream_.  
> \- While I don't buy at all into the Shakespeare-didn't-write-Shakespeare theories, Francis Bacon is one of the many authors named in theory as William Shakespeare.  
> \- Two David Bowie songs are referenced, [Modern Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HivQqTtiHVw) from _Last Dance_ (1983) and [Sweet Head](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoWzhj-Cpwk), first released on the 1990 Rykyodic CD release of _The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars_ (1972).  
> \- Alice Starwhore is, of course, the night scene's version of Alice Starmore, the controversial and very litigious knitwear designer.  
> \- In Shakespeare's _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ , Puck alone speaks out of iambic pentameter. He instead speaks in seven syllable lines then, later in the play, in more dire circumstance, in six syllable lines. Thus here he uses seven syllable lines when scornful/detached and six syllable lines when angry.
> 
> If I think of anything else I'll add it.


End file.
